If the Japanese stop procreating, who will draw my cartoon porn for me when I’m a bitter old rheumatic man living in a cardboard box behind Kinokuniya in 2050’s New York?

Increasing numbers of women are turning to dogs for comfort

In 2003, Japan’s total fertility rate was 1.29, the lowest figure on record since World War II

Japan’s native population may begin shrinking as soon as 2006. Women are choosing dogs over children and men are choosing porn over women. I normally would laugh at the plight of an overdeveloped, overcrowded and undersexed Asian country as it collapses in on itself and falls into obscurity and insignificance, thus paving the way for further American neocolonial activity in the region, but then it hits me: if the Japanese stop procreating, who will draw my cartoon porn for me when I’m a bitter old rheumatic man living in a cardboard box behind Kinokuniya in 2050’s New York?

The answer, of course, is the Koreans. But thus far the Koreans haven’t proven that they can pull a plot out of their collective ass (I base this solely on viewing Wonderful Days; I’m sure South Korea has a fabulous tradition of cinema and art and storytelling and what have you but I don’t know Korean and I’m not about to start learning it when I’m 70 years old living in a box behind Kinokuniya now am I? Although by then Kinokuniya will probably be staffed by Koreans anyway so maybe I should be getting ahead of the game now).

Anyway, I’m not going to trust the Koreans with my porn, so it’s up to me to fix the population problem here in Japan. It’s almost too late, but not quite – there may be a chance if the Diet immediately adopts my proposals to secure the future of Glorious Nippon for coming generations of gaijin to fap over.

The populace is the lifeblood of a country, and right now Japan’s blood is an inverted pyramid. Everyone you see on the street is over the age of forty, with most people well over seventy, slowly shambling down the road getting exhaust blown into their hunchbacked arthritic faces. When you see them you learn that yes, faces can be both hunchbacked and arthritic. There is exactly one student in the junior high where I work, probably born by accident when a woman mistook a hobo for her missing dog, Pochi. This student is simultaneously jealously protected and neglected by society, which will inevitably result in his becoming a recluse and playing pornographic computer games until he goes extinct.

Japan must turn this population-blood-pyramid right side up. A country really only needs one person over the age of sixty-five, and millions of teeming rugrats at the bottom will employ thousands of teeming English teachers and allow them to come over and purchase pornography directly that they would otherwise have to import.

How do we re-invert the pyramid, you ask? Read on.

1. The government must issue a request on behalf of the Emperor and Glorious Nippon for all old people to kill themselves. These are people who were alive during World War Two so they should know how to do it; in their foggy ancient butt-of-jokes-on-prime-time-quiz-shows brains they probably still believe that Hirohito is the Emperor (I haven’t seen proof to the contrary myself) and also that he is God (I have not seen proof to the contrary of this either). The number of old people who will voluntarily euthanize themselves will undoubtedly be very great, thus in one simple step alleviating the pension burden on the current generation of productive workers. In fact, as a result of this class-action harakiri the pension plan could be temporarily eliminated all together, thus fueling the economy and finally ending the burst of the bubble/lapse of national libido that plagued the 90’s and early 00’s. The economy will further be fueled by the boom in the mortuary and Buddhist monk businesses, as well as the construction sector, as a result of step 2.

2. Establish a system of state-funded and operated procreation centers as ubiquitous as convenience stores currently are. In fact they could easily be superimposed above the existing convenience store infrastructure, or perhaps over travel agencies like in that one Monty Python sketch where Eric Idle walks into a travel agency and the secretary offers to give him a blowjob. The government will launch a comprehensive propaganda campaign highlighting the civic duty of all Japanese to propagate their Master Race, introduce hands-on sex education into all public schools from the age of twelve, and provide disproportionate tax breaks for couples bearing more than two children.

3. A nonproductiveness tax on pornography and related self-love aids will be imposed. An equally high tax will be placed on pet ownership, tripled for various forms of pet-related paraphernalia (“clothing” for pets will be taxed at several thousand times its retail worth). The proceeds will be channeled directly to fund the network of procreation centers established in step 2. All unsold pornography will also be shipped to these centers where it may be enjoyed for free, but only by certifiably naked male-female pairs (larger groups may also be permissible as long as the gender ratio is preserved).

4. Should the above policies be instituted and remain ineffective, bounties will be issued for healthy young Japanese children and the government will impose a state of martial law in which procreation attempts are mandatory on a daily basis starting in the first year of middle school. All hikikomori, remaining old people who refused to kill themselves and other noncontributing members of society will be executed.

5. When the Japanese kids start being pumped out, as they inevitably will (after the dog-worshipping-by-dressing-them-up-as-small-children women who tried to beat the system by importing cheap North Korean babies have also been executed as an example to their peers) they will be placed immediately into the Japanese educational establishment, now beginning at grade -6. Everyone knows Japanese schools are the best in the world, and are a perfectly acceptable replacement for the antiquated concept of “family.” The will be raised in units known as “gumi,” where they will be taught to worship the Emperor, draw pornographic cartoons, and that The Customer Is God (And Is Always Right). All foreign English teachers in Japan will be required to change their names to “Customer.”

I will be submitting this plan for Diet approval shortly, and am confident that it will be passed with little argument. The logic here is irrefutable.